I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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