btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
