Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
