I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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