I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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