He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
