This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
