I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
