i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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