Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
