If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
should my penis look like a turkey
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
