I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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