i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
