is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
