Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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