I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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