i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
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I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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