I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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