thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
love makes seman taste better
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
