drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
