so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
