Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
