Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
