I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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