I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
