I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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