I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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