his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
