do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
