I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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