I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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