She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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