He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
