oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and she was petting her beer can
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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