making cat noises will not fix the situation.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
