its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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