There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she peed on how many people?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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