she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
