I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
