I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
