Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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