So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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