I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
