I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
