Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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