I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You are the jesus of drinking
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
