What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She tied me up with her honor cords...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
