why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
