her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
