apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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