i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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