i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
