I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
