My nipple is on Facebook.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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