My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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