my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
